I belong to a large family – like a family with over 30 people passing dishes around the table. When new guests arrive, one of us summarizes what has happened in previous episodes, similar to what happens in television series, to shed light on the current events. “Nine of us were born over a seven-year period,” they will hear. “Lola and Papa ran away because she was Filipino and he was Irish,” they might take as another fun fact. “And this is Kelly, she has cerebral palsy, and that’s normal.”
This last line is just my imagination since I’m not exactly sure how my loved ones describe me to outsiders. But I see those guests noticing how my cousins, siblings, parents, or anyone else close to me tend to take my plate and make my request before they serve themselves at the buffet line. Over the years, if one of them survives this large definition of “my big fat Greek wedding party” – although I’m Jamaican, Irish, and Filipino, to be clear – they might end up giving an honor to themselves one day.
Carrying my plate of food, filling my drink, offering me an arm for balance, or vacating the desired seat on the couch so I can rest – these are some ways my family members accommodate my disability. During the holidays, they take my gifts from under the tree and remove any wrapping paper from my path. To me, this is evidence of little but continuous love, a choice that makes me feel comfortable on days when we all deserve warm memories. This isn’t the case for everyone with disabilities, and I know how lucky I am.
Helpful Tips for Welcoming Guests with Disabilities
Perhaps what newcomers need to the alliance is a list of helpful tips to make the disabled guest feel comfortable. So, I asked five other advocates to share their thoughts…
“You can definitely ask if it seems we might need help with something. The rule of thumb should be to offer your assistance kindly and spontaneously rather than assuming we always need it. Some days I may need a hand to open a heavy door, but on other days I might not. I might even want to hold the door open for you! Also, try not to assume anything in conversation. Work is often a topic of small talk, even though I wish it weren’t. I’m currently employed, but I felt alienated in the past when I wasn’t working due to my disability and everyone was talking about their jobs. It’s wonderful (for all the guests at the party!) when conversations don’t center around individual successful social ideas. However, if you are used to asking people about their jobs, don’t intentionally sidestep the same question for the disabled guest. It’s hard to be defined by one aspect, so if you really want to know if everyone in the room is working, dating, or whatever, we should be part of that awkward social pressure, just like everyone else.”
“Evaluate the parking situation at your holiday party. If it’s first-come, first-served, shuttle a nearby parking spot for the disabled guest so they don’t have to travel far. Now for the inside: I love pets and decorations, but they can make me trip, or throw me off balance, or make it impossible for me to access a certain room. You might consider putting pets in a separate area until the disabled guest settles down, and make sure that walkways and railings remain clear.”
“When
Send the invitation, ask the guest directly about any requirements for access: sensory, dietary, physical, etc. And if you’re unsure whether to invite someone because of their disability, ask them to come and leave the decision to them.
“This may seem silly, but much of the respect we offer people depends on how we meet them at eye level. If you know someone who uses a wheelchair is coming for dinner, make sure the table has enough space for them to maneuver their wheels underneath and that everyone is sitting at the same height.”
“The vast majority of homes I visit are not designed with wheelchairs in mind, which means that when I’m a guest, I often feel tense and unsettled in my environment. From the front steps to the unavailable bathroom and the inaccessible kitchen, other people’s homes often make me feel anxious and out of place. So, sending a simple message like, ‘What can I do to make my home easier for you to navigate?’ makes me feel seen. I love when a friend sends me pictures of the steps to their home or the layout of their bathroom. And if everyone is helping in the kitchen, I feel more included when someone hands me a cutting board and a knife and a pile of carrots. I want to help too!”
Of course, no one with a disability expects non-disabled peers to know exactly and instantly how to navigate their experiences – that would be like knowing all the family details the moment you shake someone’s hand. It takes time to learn the ropes. But if you put in the effort, you’ll make your disabled guest feel like they’ve just had the best bite of dessert.
Kelly Dawson
Kelly Dawson is a writer, editor, and marketing consultant based in Los Angeles. She has written for Cup of Jo about navigating New York City with a disability and motherhood for people with disabilities, as well as a tour of a Virginia home with the loveliest dog. Follow Kelly on Instagram if you’d like.
P.S. How to handle meetings with disability and what autistic people feel.
(Photo by Dorien Monnens on Unsplash.)
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Relationships
Published on: December 13, 2023
By: Kelly Dawson
5 disabled people on how to welcome everyone during the holidays
I belong to a big family – like a family of over 30 people passing dishes at the table. When new guests arrive, one of us gives them a summary similar to what happens in previous episodes of TV series to highlight current events. “Nine of us were born within a seven-year span,” they’ll hear. “Lola and Papa ran away because she was Filipino and he was Irish,” they might take as another fun fact. “And this is Kelly, she has cerebral palsy, and that’s okay.”
That last line is just a guess on my part, as I’m not quite sure how my loved ones describe me to strangers. But I see these guests notice how my cousins, siblings, and parents or anyone else close to me at the buffet line take my plate and get my order before they serve themselves. Over the years, if one of them survived this big introduction to “my big fat Greek wedding” – although I’m Jamaican, Irish, and Filipino, to be clear – they may end up honoring themselves one day.
Carrying my plate of food, refilling my drink, offering me an arm for balance, or giving up the desired seat on the comfy couch so I can rest, these are some ways my family members adapt to my disability. During the holidays, they take my gifts from under the tree and remove the scraps of wrapping paper from my path. For me, this is a sign of little but ongoing love, a choice that makes me feel comfortable on days when we all deserve warm memories. This isn’t the case for everyone with disabilities, and I know how lucky I am.
Maybe
What newcomers to the coalition need is a list of helpful tips to make the guest with a disability feel comfortable. So, I asked five other advocates to share their thoughts…
“You can definitely ask if it seems like we might need help with something. The rule of thumb should be to offer your assistance kindly and spontaneously rather than assuming that we always need it. On some days, I might need a hand to open a heavy door, but on other days I might not need it. I might even want to hold the door open for you! Also, try not to assume anything in conversation. Work is often a topic of small talk, although I wish it weren’t. I’m currently working, but I felt alienated in the past when I wasn’t working because of my disability and everyone was talking about their jobs. It’s great (for all guests at the party!) when conversations don’t focus on individual successful social ideas. However, if you’re used to asking people about their jobs, don’t intentionally skip asking the guest with a disability the same question. It’s hard to be singled out, so if you really want to know whether everyone in the room is working, dating, or whatever, we should be part of that awkward social pressure, just like everyone else.”
“Evaluate the parking situation at your holiday party. If it depends on who arrives first, summon a parking spot close for the guest with a disability so they don’t have to travel far. Now for the inside: I love pets and decorations, but they can trip me up, or make me unbalanced, or make it impossible to…
Source: https://cupofjo.com/2023/12/13/five-disabled-folks-on-how-to-welcome-everyone-during-the-holidays/
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