People are more understanding of the reasons for rejection than we think. Holidays can be a time for parties, events, dinners, picnics, gatherings, and spontaneous meet-ups – and stress. Do we really have to say yes to every invitation? Will not attending Aunt Tilly’s annual Christmas party this time mean a permanent ban? Some people may feel at risk when declining some of those eagerly anticipated invitations.
Exaggerated Anxiety
But wait! Rejecting the invitation won’t have the harsh consequences that many fear (especially at this time of year). A group of researchers led by psychologist and assistant professor Julianne Givi from West Virginia University exposed test participants to a series of experiments to determine if the host’s reaction to an invitation being declined would really be as dreadful as the invited person feared. In the experiments, individuals who declined invitations were not loaded with guilt or blacklisted by the hosts. It turned out that hosts were not as angry as the invited believed when someone could not attend.
Exaggerated Anxiety
Why do we feel such intense worry about declining invitations and that it will ruin our social lives? One obvious reason is that we appear to not care about the host. The research team also believes there is an additional explanation behind this: we mentally exaggerate how focused the person inviting is on the rejection, and downplay how much they care about what’s going on in our heads and lives. This makes us think there is no way the inviting person could be understanding about any excuse.
Overestimation
All this anxiety means we often find ourselves forced to attend that Christmas movie, dinner, or the infamous ugly sweater party, saying yes to every invitation, even if it ultimately leads to holiday burnout. To determine whether our concerns were justified, the psychologists who conducted the study focused on three things. The first focus was on declining invitations to enjoyable social activities, such as ice skating in the park. The second focus was on how much invitees exaggerated the potential repercussions of rejection. Lastly, the third focus was on how much hosts exaggerated their feelings about the rejection itself, rather than the reasons provided by the invitee for declining the invitation.
Overestimation
Five different experiments were conducted to assess whether the person declining the invitation felt more anxious than they should. In these experiments, the invitees were the participants who had to decline the invitation, while the hosts were the participants tasked with reacting to the declined invitation.
The first experiment had participants imagine that a fictitious friend had invented an invitation to an exhibit at a museum, but they declined the invitation. Then the invitee had to describe the potential negative consequences of their rejection. Other participants in this experiment were told to imagine that they were the ones who invited the friend who rejected them, then decide how they would feel.
Most of those imagining themselves as the invitees expected the host’s reaction to be much more severe than they anticipated.
Invitees anticipated that the rejected host would feel angry and disappointed, assuming that the invitee didn’t care enough about the host. In the long term, they also expected their relationship with the host to suffer. They did not have specific worries about not being invited to future events or that hosts would seek revenge by rejecting their invitations.
The remaining four tests slightly altered the conditions and measured the same potential consequences, yielding similar results. The second experiment used hosts and invitees who were real-life couples, who extended actual invitations and rejections to each other rather than just imagining them. Invitees once again anticipated that the hosts’ reactions would be more negative than they actually were. In the third experiment, outside observers were asked to read a summary of the invitation and rejection and then predict the hosts’ reactions. The observers again believed the invitees would react more negatively than they actually did.
In
The fourth experiment involved higher stakes because participants were asked to imagine a scenario of inviting and declining that included a real friend, even though that friend was not present in the experiment. Invitees had to anticipate how negative their friend’s reaction would be to their response, as well as their friend’s opinion on the reasons they might have declined. Those making the invitations had to describe their reactions to the rejection and their friend’s expectations about how they would react. The invitees tended to anticipate more negative reactions than the hosts did.
Finally, the fifth experiment was conducted individually, and this time participants placed themselves in the roles of both the host and the invitee. They had to read and respond to a scenario of declining an invitation from the perspective of both roles, with the order of handling the host and invitee randomized. Those who took on the host role realized that hosts generally empathize with the reasons someone cannot attend, making them less likely to expect very negative reactions to the invitation being declined when asked about it later.
Despite their differences, all these experiments point in a similar direction. “According to our interpretations, invitees tended to underestimate the negative effects of declining the invitation,” the researchers said in the same study.
Overestimation
It’s clear that Aunt Tilly wouldn’t be disappointed if one of her favorite nephews couldn’t attend this year’s ugly sweater party – some events are just poorly timed. However, this study did not test the effects of declining invites to larger but less frequent events, such as weddings and children’s parties. Based on the results related to smaller events, it is likely that the thought of declining such an invitation would lead to more anxiety. The main question is whether hosts would be less understanding about larger events.
Giffey and his team still indicate that accepting invitations can have positive effects. Humans benefit from being around others, and isolation can be harmful. However, it is important to remember that too much of a good thing can be too much – everyone needs time to recharge. Even with the heavy sense of obligation that comes with inviting someone, declining one or two invitations likely won’t herald the end of the world during the holidays – unless your aunt is an exception.
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2023. DOI: 10.1037/pspi0000443.supp
Elizabeth Rayne
Elizabeth Rayne is a being who writes. Her work has appeared on SYFY WIRE, Space.com, Live Science, Grunge, Den of Geek, and Forbidden Futures. She lurks outside New York City with her parrot, Lysat. When not writing, she is either shapeshifting, drawing, or dressing up as a character no one has ever heard of. Follow her on Threads and Instagram @quothravenrayne.
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